


how humans so often fail to be

by cuneifire



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 18:23:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15891513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuneifire/pseuds/cuneifire
Summary: In her mind, she’s lived a thousand different lives with him.





	how humans so often fail to be

She’s alone now. The room is white, quiet, lonely.

Nina doesn’t like being lonely. She doesn’t like this room. She doesn’t like this job. She doesn’t like Ketterdam. She hates to whole of Kerch, really.

She breathes a deep sigh, knowing it’s one of those days where she’s doubting herself, dress splayed emptily across the floor; white on white on the black that was this city. The red highlights of the room served only to bright out its imperfections; a speck of dust here, a swipe of grime there, covered up blood there, right behind the curtain.

She’s thinking about Matthias. It’s where her thoughts have a tendency to go.

She’s could be thinking of anything about him right now; in her mind, she’s lived his laugh a thousand times, his smile a million. In her mind, she’s chased him down and dragged him out of hell herself. In her mind he’s forgiven her, in her mind they’ve grown old and he’s learned how to say  _fun_ without disgust in his tone and she’s learned to not want to strangle him on various occasions.

In her mind, she’s grabbed herself by the collar and screamed to shake herself out of her largely ridiculous fantasies. Which is precisely what she does now. Precisely.

But she can’t, not this time, for some reason that she rightfully ignores. She’s too far gone, pushing through a million things she’s done wrong with him, a million things she’s done right, but that truth is that’s all been the past.

This, this is the future.

She keeps thinking of him, of what Kaz had told her. Matthias Helvar was to be broken out of jail.

Matthias Helvar was to be broken out of jail and she doesn’t know what will be of him when he is. Her mind keeps drifting, mashing the image she has of Matthias before- before he was imprisoned, with the men of the jail. At least, the men who had come out.

She didn’t know what he’d be.

But it seems everything lies in the past with her, she’s can’t escape it, can’t pull away from it, keeps coming back to it, that singularly inked-in-stone fact; Matthias has changed for the better before, he can do it again. When he first met her, he thought Grisha nothing more than stains on this planet. And slowly, slowly, she’d been able to change his mind.

Maybe…maybe she could do it again.

Her thoughts looped in circles, trying to configure in the proper fashion.

But all she really wants is to find him, and for him to realize that he’s capable of change, and for the better.

All she wants to do is see him again.

All she really wants to do is take him in her arms and drag him close and whisper something that could be an apology but might not be into the shell of his ear and pull him down by the collar and kiss him.

But she’s never been that much of a dreamer, and she doesn’t want to know what happens when she falls asleep, so she jolts pins of pain up her arms to keep herself awake. She can’t afford to dream about the future; she has to make it.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed/ feedback is always welcome!


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